Farewell, Forever (Part 1 of 15): Feeling Alive After 85

Oh, 85.

What a burdensome weight you were.

I am glad to be rid of you forever.

We had some good, albeit never-meant-to-last, times:

• 3am Cookies-And-Nutella-Fests watching Tim and Eric at University

• Bending space and time trying to discover an angle in the mirror where my body somehow doesn’t seem dominated by muffin-tops

• General day-long exhaustion

• Over-loaded knee joints

Truly, some ’great’ times.

Now though, ive seen your true face, and discovered your true goal:

To end my life, 5 years earlier than it normally would have.

After some internal-recalibrating and communicating with my soul-that-transcends-time-and-space, we both concluded that not only were you not required (and never were to begin with) in my life,

But despite the common narrative out there about ‘how hard you are to shift‘ (propaganda you must have spent a fortune to perpetuate),

You can be whisked away with ease whilst I hold to the ‘200grams the only rule (morning meal + 150-200grams the only rule (evening meal)‘ method.

You don’t “help with stress” - you just convinced me of that so you could have a place to live.

The truth is, you are - and I’m not being mean here - useless.

You are far from un-removeable, as you fancy yourself to be.

You -

and I’m not being cruel here, just factual -

are nothing.

Water weight. GONE,

In a few days of a self-loving meal approach, or even less in my case (yesterday morning I was 85.5).

Now that I am on my #RoadTo70, you are of no further use to me.

Enjoy the void, and may you never find another Human host ever again.

I heard some nascent gas giants need KG of weight/mass a few billion galaxies away,

you should totally go for that.

Farewell Forever,

Your former host,


most noticeable status unlocked: holy crap my jacket fits now